SSB totallly epic style
by The Shmi Wizard
Summary: After a group of heroes and villains alike are transported from their universes to fight for the entertainment of a pair of hands, this group of people must learn to live with eachother... or just go crazy
1. And so it begins

A large group of people stood outside a massive mansion, not knowing how they got there. Some of the more intelligent ones were trying to figure out how and why they got there, while some of the less intelligent ones were just doing nothing.

Ganondorf: Perhaps we were sent here by a dimensional portal.

Meta Knight: Perhaps to fight to the death.

Peach: What are we going to do for clothes!?

Bowser: Maybe you should just do what DK is doing.

Peach glanced at the hulking ape, wearing nothing but a tie, but she was way too dumb to realize what he meant.

Peach: Silly Bowser, ties are for men!

Bowser: Dumb bitch.

Mario: What was that?

Bowser: Nothing!

Elsewhere, King Dedede was conversing (if you could call it that) with Wario.

Wario: I'm fucking hungry. Where's the food.

Dedede: If we get really hungry, we'll just eat those two kids over there.

He pointed to Ness and Lucas, who in turn hid behind Marth and Ike.

Ike: Get the hell out of here kids!

They ran. Suddenly, two massive hands opened the doors.

MH: Welcome! I am your host, Master Hand. This is my colleague Crazy Hand.

CH started chasing Lucas, who was crying. MH yanked him back up to the door.

MH: In case you didn't know, I am hosting a massive tournament here! You will all fight in special arenas. To make things fair, they will all be from your dimensions, and don't cry if someone gets more stages than you.

R.O.B.: I am tired of this shit Wesley, I want to ingest some alcohol and impregnate the women here.

MH: Of course there is a bar in-

R.O.B., Snake, Captain Falcon, Ike, Wolf and Game and Watch rushed inside.

MH: O….K

CH: BRAINS!

MH: Shut up. Now I have a bag full of keys to your rooms, you will all be assigned a roommate. It isn't my problem if your roommate happens to be extremely annoying, talking to you Ganondorf!

MH and CH started tossing keys to the smashers.

MH: Get settled in then!

The group started walking inside and saw a list of rooms and who was staying in them.

Room 1:

Wario and Mr. Game and Watch

Room 2:

Captain Falcon and Sonic

Room 3:

Ike and R.O.B.

Room 4:

Snake and Luigi

Room 5:

Link and Donkey Kong

Room 6:

Ice Climbers

Room 7:

Ganondorf and Diddy Kong

Room 8:

King Dedede and Bowser

Room 9:

Marth and Peach

Room 10:

Samus and Zelda

Room 11:

Meta Knight and Falco

Room 12:

Fox and Pokemon Trainer

Room 13:

Ness and Kirby

Room 14:

Wolf and Lucas

Room 15:

Jigglypuff and Olimar

Room 16:

Pikachu and Mario

Room 17:

Toon Link and Pit

Room 18:

Lucario and Yoshi

They all went to their rooms to meet their roommates.

In Room 1

Wario walked inside to see Game and Watch over a deep fryer.

Wario: That smells good.

GW: It should be there boy! Here, have some fried chicken, it'll do you good.

He tossed a wing to Wario who ate it.

Wario: Ah, I think that beef I had last knight was better.

GW: WHAT!? Fried chicken is the best food on this damn planet!

Wario: I got nothing against it, just think beefs better.

GW: WARIO! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMN MIND!?

In Room 2:

Sonic walked inside and saw Falcon lifting weights and doing very masculine things.

Sonic: Hey! Sonic's the name, speeds my game!

Falcon: I'm Captain Falcon! I'm the champion of racing on my planet. And I can do this!

He cocked his arm back.

Falcon: FALCON-

He punched, letting out what appeared to be some kind of flaming bird.

Falcon: PUNCH!

Sonic: Well… I can do this.

He did that thing where he spins into a ball and rolled around the room.

Falcon: Ain't as impressive as the almighty Falcon Punch!

In Room 3

Ike entered to the sight of R.O.B. making love a supermodel and doing rails of cocaine.

Ike: What the fuck!?

Woman: I told you, I don't like threesomes!

She jumped out the window.

R.O.B: Damn it Wesley, I was scoring! Ah whatever, I fuck 25 a day anyway.

Ike: Ok, my name's Ike.

R.O.B.: I am R.O.B. for Robotic Operating buddy, though I like to say Randy Operating Badass, you may call me Rob, Wesley.

Ike: My name is Ike.

Rob: I know Wesley.

Ike: …

He heard a knock at the door, Ike opened it and saw a very twitchy looking crazy person.

Crackhead: Let me get a get a fat dub Rob!

Rob: You are in debt 200 dollars you inferior human!

Crackhead: Yo, I'm getting paid next week man! I'm good for it.

Rob: You said that last week, Wesley. No getting high until I get my money.

Crackhead: I'm good for it man!

Rob: Get out of my lot before I blast you with my laser beams. They are the most superior lasers in the galaxy.

The crackhead dives towards Rob's bed, but he swiftly kills the addict with his superior jet pack.

Rob: You do not fuck with this, Wesley.

He turned to Ike.

Rob: Don't tell his sister I killed him, or she won't do that thing when she sticks her tongue in-

Ike: Ok, I get it.

In Room 4

Snake cautiously entered the room, pistol in hand, grabbed the first moving thing he saw, threw it into a wall and put a gun to its head.

Luigi: DON'T KILL ME!

Snake: Oh, it's just you.

He let go of Luigi, who fell down. Snake started unloading his massive arsenal of weapons into a dresser.

Snake: So what do you do?

Luigi: I'm-a Luigi! I stomp on bad guys heads.

Snake: Yeah? I heard you were the king of second bananas.

Luigi: Can a second banana do this?

He jumped extremely high into the air, shooting through the ceiling, and the atmosphere, then he came crashing down… head first. He shot to the floor.

Snake: Yes, one can.

In Room 5

Link walked to his door, smelling something rather strange. He opened the door and was met with a burst of smoke in his face, but it wasn't cigarette smoke, it was something quite different that Link couldn't quite put his finger on. He saw DK lying on his bed, holding what appeared to be a hand-rolled cigarette.

Link: Hey

DK: …

Link: How are you doing?

DK: … want to puff this shit man?

He offered Link the suspicious "cigarette". Link took it and slowly took a puff. All of a sudden he realized how beautiful all the colors of the rainbow were. A very stupid smile spread across his face.

Link: Got any more?

DK opened a bag, which was full of these strange cigarettes. Link lay down on his bed and started to laugh his ass off.

In Room 6

The Ice Climbers entered their room and started unpacking their things, and finishing what they started back home, if you know what I mean. Little did they know that CH was looking through their window, rather obviously.

In Room 7

Ganondorf slowly entered the room and saw Diddy Kong mindlessly throwing his own excrement around.

Ganondorf: What the fuck!?

Diddy: Ooh ooh ah ah ah!

Diddy was crazily jumping around the room until Ganondorf, lightning quick, grabbed him by the neck. He tied Diddy to a bed post and taped his mouth shut.

Ganondorf: That oughta do it.

He lay on his bed and opened a book on warfare while Diddy continued screaming.

In Room 8

Dedede entered his and Bowser's room, and was met with the unpleasant site of Bowser jacking off to naked pictures of Peach. When Bowser noticed Dedede, he tried to make it seem like he was just sitting, but ended up falling on the ground. Dedede picked up the pictures and flipped through them.

Dedede: Isn't she here?

Bowser: Yeah, so?

Dedede: Well why don't you just try to, you know, woo her.

Bowser: That damned Mario and Luigi end up stomping my face in every time I get close.

Dedede: Aren't you supposed to have some ridiculously overpowered, scary-as-fuck transformation.

Bowser: Yeah, I need like magic or some shit.

Dedede: Really… BRICK!

Bowser: What?

Dedede: BRICK!

Bowser: You want a brick?

Dedede: BRICK!

Bowser held out a brick he found. Dedede punched right through it.

In Room 9

Peach entered, eager to meet a new friend and saw Marth, doing stereotypical serious hero things.

Peach: Why are you wearing a tiara?

Marth said something in some unintelligible language.

Peach: What?

Marth again said something in his language.

Peach: I can't understand what you're saying.

Marth sighed and went back to his stereotypical hero things.

Peach began prancing around the room.

Peach: Oh what a wondrous day! The sky is blue and the sun is shining.

She continued her rant about how wonderful everything is. Marth buried his head in his hands. It was going to be a long tournament.

In Room 10

Zelda entered and saw Samus tuning up her rather impressive arsenal of weapons.

Zelda: Hey.

Samus grunted.

Zelda: So what does this suit do?

Samus: It's a power suit. Got a lot of guns and stuff.

Zelda noticed a tattoo on Samus' lower back

Zelda: Is that a tattoo?

Samus stopped, blushed and continued working as though she had not heard anything.

Zelda: Come on! What is it?

Samus made the sounds she was making much louder. Unfortunately for her, it made the tattoo more visible. It said "Property of R.O.B." along with an arrow pointing to her ass.

Zelda: Wow…

In Room 11

Falco walked into his room to see Meta Knight meditating.

Falco: Greetings my masked friend!

Meta Knight: …

Falco: My name is Falco! I would like to extend formal greetings into this room that we will be staying at! My one request is that you do not sneak into my bed while I am sleeping, for I am not gay.

Falco continued to ramble about how great he was, while Meta Knight said nothing.

Falco: … and that's why I am the most intelligent being in my universe

In Room 12

Fox entered and saw the Pokemon Trainer along with his Pokemon.

Fox: Hey.

Squirtle jumped into Fox's pants.

Fox: Hey, what are you doing!?

The erratic movement stopped for a moment.

Fox: I didn't say stop.

PT: Hey Fox! I'm a pokemon trainer, I travel across the lands searching for pokemon to help me in battle!

Fox: You're a bit of a lazy-ass, just getting those pokemon to do everything for you, and while they're getting their asses kicked, you're just standing by shouting commands.

PT: Yeah… well… you're a tourneyfag character! And you've been totally nerfed!

Fox started crying.

In Room 13

Kirby was playing around the room when Ness ran in looking very scared. Outside, they heard a deranged voice.

CH: WHERE ARE YOU BOY! I WANT TO PLAY! AND BY PLAY I MEAN BRUTALLY ATTACK YOU!

Kirby: Poi?

Kirby all of a sudden felt very hungry. He looked at Ness and decided to take a page out of Dedede's book. He tried to suck Ness in.

Ness: AHHHHH!

He ran outside and saw CH, who started to chase him again. Ness started to cry as CH threw him into walls.

In Room 14

Lucas nervously walked into his room and saw Wolf, who had his feet up on a desk. In one hand, he held a beer bottle, in the other a cigarette. Lucas noticed that his bed had been thrown out the window and replaced by a fridge. Wolf turned around.

Wolf: The fuck do you want?

He noticed Lucas' staring at his fridge.

Wolf: You touch my booze and I'll kill you kid.

Lucas: Where am I going to sleep?

Wolf: On your bed, dumbass.

Lucas: But it's outside.

Wolf: So? I was raised in the wild. You should be too, you might be less of a pussy.

Lucas: Hey!

He took out his baseball bat. Wolf looked at his cigarette, which was down to the filter.

Wolf: Kills and shit.

He put it out on Lucas' head, who promptly began crying.

Wolf: I know, I know, it hurts me too… not.

He lit up another cigarette.

In Room 15

Jigglypuff, and Olimar did nothing… due to their lonerness.

In Room 16

Mario kicked down the door, which landed on Pikachu.

Mario: It's-a me! Mario!

Pikachu: PikaCHUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pikachu used thunder, which shocked Mario.

Mario: That-a wasn't nice! I'm going to have-a to punish you!

He took out his hammer and started hitting Pikachu with it.

Mario: Say my name bitch!

Pikachu: Pika!

Mario: It's-a Mario! You have a lot to learn!

He continued hitting Pikachu.

In Room 17

Toon Link approached the door to his and Pit's room, he heard a very girly, flamboyant voice on the other side of the door. TL opened the door and saw Pit on a cell phone.

Pit: Gotta go Ted, love you!

TL: Hey.

Pit: Well aren't you the cutest thing! Want to be my friend?

TL: I'd really rather no-

Pit: It's settled! Now let's go do a team battle against that no fun robot and his steroid abusing swordsman friend! That bastard robot slept with my mother… and Palutena… and Medusa… at the same time!

TL: I don't really want to.

Pit didn't listen and dragged TL to an arena to meet Ike and Rob. They lost… horribly. Seriously, after TL gave up and started to SD, Rob held Pit down while Ike took all of his money.

In Room 18

Yoshi looked at Lucario, who was meditating.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

Lucario said nothing.

Yoshi: Yoshi!

He ate Lucario and crapped him out.

That night, MH called all of the fighters to the central hall.

MH: Welcome again! For your nighttime leisure, I have taken the liberty of building several rooms for you all to enjoy and party in. If you will all follow me, I will show you them. He led them to a door that had a plaque on it reading The Lady's Club.

MH: This is a room specifically made for the women that are staying, but you guys-

He made a cough which sounded oddly like Pit.

MH: -are welcome to come in.

He opened the door to see a somewhat spacious room with a few couches along with a wide screen TV, there was also a hot tub and a shelf that had various types of feminine liquor, mostly vodka. Paintings were on the wall that showed famous women in videogame history.

MH: It's a nice room built for the female who just wants to relax and… hey!

He noticed a spy camera hanging from the ceiling.

MH: Crazy Hand! I don't care if you're crazy! That's inexcusable.

He crushed the camera and threw it in a garbage can.

MH: If you will follow me further.

He led them down a hall to similar door, that had a plaque reading The Gentlemen's Lounge.

MH: I'm quite proud of this one, same deal with the other room.

He coughed something that sounded along the lines of Samus. MH opened the door to reveal a very classy, detailed lounge. There were various leather couches and chairs along with tables. There was a bar in the back that had nearly every kind of hard liquor imaginable, and a mini fridge that they guessed was stocked with beer, there was also a wide-screen TV that had football playing on it. Snake looked at a cigar humidor that was filled with very expensive looking cigars. There was also a shelf beside it that carried a stack of various cigarette brands.

MH: My favorite room. Got the works for the classy men here.

Rob: Where the fuck is the Hypnotic Wesley?

He went to the bar and started rummaging for Hypnotic.

MH: Well, I'm sure we have some somewhere. Onto the next room!

He led them further down the hall to yet another door with a plaque reading Kids Room

MH: This is the room for the children here, adults are alright too.

He coughed and one might've been able to catch the word Fox. MH opened the door to what appeared to be the standard kid's room. TV, board games, videogames and a soda fountain.

MH: Well, that's all the rooms. I hope you all have a fun night!

They split into four groups, those going to the Lady's room, those to the gentlemen's lounge, those going to the kids room and those who simply went back to their rooms.


	2. Drunk rage and plot twists

Inside the lady's room, Zelda, Peach, Samus, Nana and Jigglypuff sat on the various couches. They were drinking, but all were bored, save for Pit who, after drinking two coolers, believed he was wasted and was acting even more flamboyant than usual.

Pit: So tell me girls, who do you think is cute?

None answered the lightweight angel.

Pit: Oh come on, we're drunk! Let's have a girl talk!

Samus: Pit, why are you even here? Shouldn't you be with the men?

Pit: Well…

Earlier:

Pit knocked on the door to the gentlemen's lounge. The door opened and he was met with a burst of smoke in his face as Falcon walked out, holding a large cigar.

Falcon: Kid's room's that way.

Pit: But I'm coming in here!

Falcon burst out laughing.

Falcon: Hey… HEY WOLF!

Wolf: WHAT?

Falcon: GUESS WHO'S HERE!

Wolf: WHO?

Falcon: PIT!

Wolf: THE GAY KID?

Falcon: YEAH! GUESS WHAT HE WANTS!

Wolf: WHAT?

Falcon: TO COME INSIDE!

Everybody inside laughed.

Falcon: Get out of here kid. I think the lady's club has an opening.

Pit: Hey! I'm manly!

Falcon: Yeah?

He offered Pit his cigar. Pit took it and took a puff. He started coughing erratically.

Falcon: You didn't even inhale kid, get out of here.

Pit sadly walked away.

Pit: … too much… rowdiness, yeah that's it. Yeah, you should've seen Rob and Game and Watch go at it. Yeah, too much stuff for me to handle, yeah.

Annoyed by Pit's lameness, the ladies turned on the TV in a rather futile attempt to drown him out.

Elsewhere…

Despite Pit's obviously lying claims, he was technically right about one thing. A certain fight was about to happen in the men's lounge. The rude robot and the slightly classy black… thing were arguing… as you can guess, both were very drunk.

Rob: Fuck you Wesley. I don't even remember what we were arguing about, but I will shoot you with my laser anyway.

GW: Now see here you ignorant robot! That word you said earlier was MY word! I demand satisfaction, Rkob!

Rob: What did you just call me Wesley?

GW: You call me Wesley, I call you Rkob! That fair Mr. I'm a horny robot who just wants to drink and have sex!?

Rob: My name is Rob.

GW: No ******, your name's Rkob! I don't like being called Wesley, reminds me of my crazy uncle Wesley.

Rob finished off his bottle of booze, smashed it on a table and started drunkenly advancing towards GW.

Rob: I am going to cut you up, Wesley. Once I find you.

He started to bump into random things, then he started dry-humping the jukebox.

Rob: Say my name, Wesley.

Content with Rob's imminent passing out, GW went to watch a drinking contest going on between Wolf and Fox. Both had several shot glasses on their sides of the table and a very large bottle of whiskey sat between them. Both took another shot then Wolf paused to light up a cigarette.

Wolf: Want one?

Fox: Hell no! I don't want lung cancer!

Wolf: Al Gore invented lung cancer, and rock and roll, dumbass.

Fox: It's serious! Every puff you take shoves more into your lungs, and once it jams in, it's tough to get it out.

Wolf: Yeah, that's what she said.

He kicked his legs up on the table.

Fox: Get that out of my face!

Wolf: She said that too.

Fox: You're sick!

Wolf: That isn't what your mom said. Neither did Krystal.

Fox: You bastard!

He stood up, pulled out his blaster and put it in Wolf's face. Wolf took another puff of his cigarette and looked at the filter.

Wolf: Kills and shit.

He put it out on Fox's hand, who promptly screamed and ran to his room, presumably to cry into his pillow. Wolf laughed, took a large swig from the bottle and lit up another cigarette. Inside the kid's room, none of the people there realized who would be the chaperone. The chaperone was a psychotic left hand, which was chasing everybody, mainly Lucas and Ness, around the large room. None could even understand him anymore, as he was shouting about he wanted to kick them with baseball bats, despite not having legs, and kicking with baseball bats being impossible

The next day…

Ike woke up with a large hangover. He looked at a computer screen which read "Message for R.O.B and Ike." Ike walked to the screen and clicked on the box. The message read "I challenge you to a rematch! Meet me on Final Destination at noon! Lots of love, Pit"

Rob: What does it say Wesley?

Ike: Pit is challenging us to a rematch.

Rob: Bring it, I will shoot him with my laser, then use my superior jetpack on him… Wesley.

Ike dressed and grabbed his massive sword, both headed down to the portal that lead to Final Destination. They saw Pit and Fox.

Pit: Look who finally showed up!

Rob: Let's get this dumbass thing over with Wesley.

Fox: Time to prove that we're worth a damn.

Ike sighed.

Ike: Let's just do this.

They walked into the portal and came into the flying platform in space.

MH: Ready……….. GO!

Rob shot a laser at Pit and activated his jetpack, he flew across the stage and hit Pit with his jetpack attack. Ike ran at Fox who was shooting his blaster at him. Ike swung his massive sword at Fox's face, he screamed in pain.

Fox: AHH! MY FUCKING FACE! YOU CUT IT!

Rob and Pit stopped fighting and looked at Fox, who was bleeding like crazy.

Fox: WHAT THE FUCK MAN! WHO THE HELL BRINGS A GODDAMN EDGED WEAPON IN HERE!

Ike: … Pit does…

Fox: IT'S A FUCKING BOW! AHH MY FUCKING FACE!

Rob: Shut up Wesley.

Rob shot him with his laser, which caused him to fly off the platform. He was too busy screaming in pain to fire fox back up.

Rob: And then there was three Wesley.

Pit: Uh oh.

Ike snuck up behind Pit and trapped him behind his sword.

Pit: I like where this is going.

Rob rolls up.

Pit: Now not so much.

Rob: Are you ready for the R.?

Pit: No.

Rob: Too bad, Wesley.

Rob began punching, lasering, and jetpacking Pit. Once they had their fun, Rob held down Pit while Ike used his eruption on him. Pit flew into the air, then died. Ike and Rob exited.

Rob: That was fun Wesley.

They heard a voice from down the hall.

???: Oh Robbie!

Rob: Uh oh Wesley.

He ran away. Ike saw Peach running down the hall.

Peach: Hey Ike! Have you seen Rob?

Ike: Uh… He went that way.

He pointed to the portal that led to Final Destination.

Peach: Thanks!

She pranced into the portal. Ike walked off to get some food.

Elsewhere…

King Dedede walked with a swagger through the hall as though he owned the mansion, occasionally, when he would see a brick wall, he would punch through it, which led to some strange encounters. He saw Popo and Nana having sex, Marth sitting at a vanity mirror combing his hair and Bowser jacking off to pictures of Peach again. He noticed a sign above a room that read gym, eager to stroke his ego, he entered. Inside he saw Captain Falcon lifting weights, Mario at a punching bag and Lucas and Ness playing basketball. Dedede walked over to the two children.

Dedede: Hey, mind if I shoot some hoops with you?

Ness: I'll play.

Lucas sat at the sidelines and watched Dedede completely school Ness. All the while taunting him.

Dedede: Ok, I'll go easy on you. Here, take the ball.

He held the ball up high so Ness couldn't reach it.

Dedede: Come on, take it!

Ness: I can't reach it.

Dedede: Oh, that isn't my problem shortie! Best you grow taller if you want to take it from me.

He shot it into the hoop.

Dedede: YEAH! I WIN! I'M THE BEST! I AM UNDEFEATED!

Tears welled up in Ness' eyes.

Dedede: HAHAHAHAHA! OH NO, HE'S GONNA CRY! AIN'T THAT A SHAME! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE HAD FEELINGS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mario: That's-a kind of harsh Dedede.

Dedede: WHO CARES I WON!

He walked away laughing. Later, he ran into Zelda.

Dedede: Sup cunt.

Zelda: I heard about what you did to Ness.

Dedede: Yeah? That turn you on?

Zelda: No, that was very mean.

Dedede: Aw, he can handle a loss!

Zelda: He never wants to play basketball ever again, because of you beating him.

Dedede: I thought I'd be motivating him to get better and man up. Did I actually make him that sad? I mean, he must be aware of how much he sucks… Let's have sex.

Zelda: What?

Dedede: Oh nothing.

He walked past her and made sure to slap her ass.

Zelda: Hey!

Dedede walked faster, punching in more walls.

Elsewhere…

Falco was getting aquainted with Luigi.

Falco: You know what would tide me over till dinner? A McPizza!

Luigi: I think they discontinued that years ago.

Falco: Are you calling me a liar?

Luigi: No, just misinformed, and maybe a bit dumb.

Falco: Well call them then. I bet you 50 bucks that they have it.

Luigi picked up a phone and dialed a number. A bored sounding teenager answered.

Cashier: Thank you for calling McDonald's, how may I further degrade myself today?

Luigi: Hello, do you have any McPizza's?

Cashier: What the hell? We don't have that.

Luigi: Thank you. Bye.

He hung up.

Luigi: Looks like you owe me 50 dollars.

Falco: No! He must have meant that they didn't have it in stock!

Luigi: Look, you lost. Give me 50 bucks.

Falco: No! Call another restaurant!

Luigi sighed and called another McDonald's. Every time he tried to tell Falco that he had lost, he demanded that Luigi call another restaurant. This continued for many hours until Luigi gave up, lied and gave Falco 50 dollars.

Falco: Haha! Look who's the genius now you dumb green man!

Falco began ranting about how he was smart and Luigi was dumb. Every time Luigi tried to leave, Falco would grab him and force him into a seat to continue listening to his rant.

Even more elsewhere…

Rob continued to move through the mansion ducking in and out of rooms until he came upon a familiar smell coming from the room marked Donkey Kong and Link. He entered and saw DK and Link sitting in front of a TV watching Cheech and Chong, smoking weed.

Rob: Want to match Wesley?

He pulled out a large bag of weed.

Rob: Let's blaze until my circuits go from 347 volts to 120 volts.

DK took out a massive bong. Rob packed a bowl and started hitting it. Meanwhile, several doors down, Peach and Zelda were having a conversation.

Zelda: Peach, I'm starting to get worried about Link, I haven't seen him since we got here.

Peach: Well, I haven't seen Rob to tell him the good news!

Zelda: Why do you want to talk to Rob? And what good news?

Peach: Zelda… I'm pregnant.

Zelda: WHAT!?

Little did they know, a certain extremely egotistical penguin was listening from a hole in the brick wall he punched.

Dedede: Whoa… this is some heavy ass shit right here.

Dedede continued moving.

Zelda: Is it Mario's?

Peach: No, it's Rob's.

Zelda: Why would you sleep with that unfeeling hunk of metal? You know his only friend is that steroid abusing swordsman.

Peach: Well…..

Last night.

Inside the Lady's room, Peach had become very drunk. She walked up to Zelda.

Peach: We're drunk! Let's make out!

They started kissing. Later, after Peach was tired of showing off how drunk she was, she desired some male companionship. She stumbled through the halls and into the men's washroom. Inside, a very drunk Rob was using the toilet.

Rob: Letting out 3 mini kegs and a 40 of Jack Daniels always feels good. Sometimes better than sex Wesley.

Peach: Hi Rob!

Rob: What are you doing Wesley? This is the men's room.

He noticed how drunk Peach was.

Rob: Initiate advantage taking programming. Have you ever felt the power of a 20 inch metal penis enter your womanhood?

Peach: No I haven't!

Rob: Would you like to?

Peach: I think I do!

Rob: Then come to my room.

Rob took her to his room and started making sweet robot love to her all night long. A long time later, Ike, who was also very drunk, stumbled into the room. He observed their love making with a dumb smile on his face, Rob was appearing to become bored.

Rob: Want to finish off Wesley?

Ike: No man.

Rob: Whatever. Take these and leave me and this beezie alone for a while.

He tossed Ike a pack of cigarettes. Ike laughed a bit.

Ike: I smoke when I'm drunk.

He lit one up and walked out of the room. A while later Rob finished and pulled out a cigarette, handing one to Peach.

Peach: That was fun.

Rob: Get out Wesley.

He noticed that Peach had fallen asleep.

Rob: Have to do everything myself.

Rob picked her up and rolled past Ike, who had returned much later simply to pass out on the floor, to the window to throw her outside. He also tossed her clothes outside.

Back to the present.

Zelda: Peach, are you going to keep it?

Peach: I don't know.

Elsewhere…

Dedede walked into the main hall.

Dedede: HEY EVERYBODY! GUESS WHAT!? PEACH IS PREGNANT!


	3. Some hallucinations and clubbing

Last time on SSBTES

Ganondorf threw Olimar into a wall.

Ganondorf: WHERE IS THE MICROFILM!?

Falco: You want this badge? Take this motherfucking badge!

He threw his badge at the Fox's face.

Falcon and Mario chased after a helicopter, firing their guns at it.

Link: You fucked me bitch!

He slapped Zelda.

Bowser gasped.

Bowser: You!

Wolf: That's right Bowser. Now it is time to take what is mine

Ike jumped out from behind a brick wall, holding a pistol. Marth jumped back.

Ike: Born insecure motherfucker.

Ike opened fire on him.

Ike: Where's my money bitch!?

Marth: Here's your fucking money!

He returned fire.

Snake punched Sonic in the face. He fell off the cliff they were fighting on and managed to grasp the ledge. Snake slowly walked towards him.

Peach: … I think I'm pregnant…. And Rob is the father!

And now… the thrilling conclusion!

Ganondorf kills Olimar in frustration, Falco leaves the force, Falcon and Mario shrug off the defeat, Link breaks up with Zelda, Wolf kills Bowser, then takes his girl, Ike kills Marth, then takes his money, Snake kills Sonic and Peach being pregnant is the only one of these things that really happened.

Peach walked through the halls of the mansion, looking for Rob, she ran into Mario.

Mario: Peach! We are-a going to be parents!

Peach: Actually-

Rob came out of nowhere.

Rob: There is my favorite lucky couple Wesley. I wish I had kids, but I don't do it.

Peach: But Rob, it's-

Rob: A beautiful baby between you and Mario. Key words are you… and Mario.

Mario: Wow! Thank-a you Rob!

Rob: I just like to see a loving, FAITHFUL union between two people Wesley.

Peach looked down. Apparently, Rob really did not want a kid. She decided she would go along with it, at least until the baby is born.

Rob: If you will excuse me, I have an appointment with Miss Mary-Jane.

He rolled down the hall looking for DK's room.

Elsewhere…

Zelda paced about her room nervously. It has been far too long since she had seen Link, and she was getting very worried. She suddenly smelled a strange smell and Link entered. She noticed the extremely dumb smile on his face.

Zelda: Link! Where have you been?

Link: Oh, you know… chilling and shit.

He pulled out a small box that read Dodongo's, a taste of Hyrule. He opened it and took a cigarette out. He lit it up.

Zelda: Since when do you smoke?

Link: Well Zelda… I wrote a little song about it.

He pulled out an acoustic guitar and started playing a mysterious sounding tune.

Link: There are things… in the world… that are the same and opposites.

He paused.

Link: A cactus is the opposite of a chair…

He paused.

Link: A squirrel… is the same as a can… mainly when… I have a BB gun in my hand…

He continued on saying sames and opposites for about ten minutes when Zelda finally stopped him.

Link: Whoa… what were we talking about again? Man, I am so high right now, I don't even know what's going on. Baked!

He passed out.

Zelda: Why can't guys just drink?

Rob rolled by.

Rob: Because we like to get high. That's something beezies like you don't understand.

He continued rolling.

Elsewhere…

Lucas nervously walked through the halls. Crazy Hand was chasing him again.

CH: FOUND YOU!!!!!!!

Lucas screamed and ran into the nearest room. It was pitch black inside. He felt for a light switch, he found one and switched it on. He saw a very angry looking Ganondorf glaring at him.

Ganondorf: YOU DARE BRING LIGHT INTO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!

He fired lightning from his fingertips and electrocuted Lucas, who ran as Ganondorf followed with his sword brandished. He ran into the next room he saw, which was Wario and GW's. He breathed a sigh of relief as he locked the door.

Ganondorf: Get back here! Or else you will die!

Lucas turned around and saw Wario smiling mischievously.

Wario: Hello Lucas.

Lucas: Er… hi.

Wario: Why is Ganondorf looking for you?

Lucas: He isn't

Mr. Game & Watch: Yeah he is, he brought light into his lair

Wario: Uh oh! Well maybe we can help if you do us one favor

Lucas: Yeah anything!

Wario: Please sit

Lucas sits down in a recliner, where he is suddenly strapped and out comes Waluigi from the closet

Waluigi: You bring me little penis, thank you brother!

Waluigi sucks Lucas's dick while Mr. Game & Watch cooks fried chicken

Meanwhile…

Link had woken up from his slumber on the floor of Zelda's room. He felt oddly normal.

Link: Ugh… my head.

He realized that his pockets were quite full he reached into them and found several strange items. A lighter, a pack of cigarettes, a joint, a pipe and a bag containing at least an eighth of weed.

Link: Well… marijuana has caused me several nervous breakdowns and a faint today… but one more joint can't hurt.

He placed the joint in his mouth and lit it, sucking in the smoke.

???: Wow, you are such a fucking dumbass Link.

Link pulled out his sword and whipped around.

Link: Where are you!?

???: Look down retard.

Link looked down and saw his shadow, which materialized into a person who slapped him in the face.

Link: YOU!

Dark: That's right shit-for-brains. Toking the old reefer eh?

Link: Our last battle was cut short. But I shall triumph this time!

He took a massive toke which finished off his joint and he flicked it aside. Dark Link drew his sword.

Dark: I always knew it would come to this.

Link: Know this?

He lunged at Dark and they engaged in an epic battle which spanned the many halls of the mansion. Zelda noticed Link.

Zelda: Link!

Link: Not right now Zelda! Can't you see I'm in a duel to the death with my evil self?

Zelda: But Link-

Link jumped and kicked off the wall, attempting a jump strike. Through the hole he left, Bowser scrambled to make it look like he wasn't masturbating.

Link: Not now! I'm going to triumph over the evil in myself!

Dark: You fuck that bitch yet?

Link: Damn it no! Honestly! The most I ever get is a fucking kiss on the goddamn cheek!

Zelda: But Link… you're not fighting anything.

Outside of Link's mind, Zelda watched him in a duel with thin air. Link stopped.

Link: What are you saying? He's right here!

Dark: Don't listen to her dumbass! Keep fighting!

Zelda: Link you're just hallucinating it… like last time.

A while ago.

Link sat at a feast with Zelda, the King and the Spaniard.

King: I wonder what's for dinner.

Link: I'm so hungry, I could eat an octorok!

Dark Link appeared on the other side of the room.

Dark: HEY LINK! GUESS WHAT! I FIND THESE GAMES TO BE VERY POORLY PRODUCED!

Link: Ok, ok, we're throwing down.

He drew his sword and leaped across the table, knocking over all the food.

King: LINK MAH BOI! What're you doing!?

Link: Fighting this guy!

Back to the present.

Dark: Come on man, I'm totally real! Watch!

He grabbed Zelda's breasts. She responded by slapping real Link.

Link: What was that for!?

Zelda: You touched my breasts!

Link: I didn't! He did!

Zelda: You're hallucinating!

Dark: Whatever bitch. Hey Link! You're ugly… and no one likes you!

Link: What did you say…

He started violently shaking.

Link: YOU MUST DIE!!!!!

Dark: You have to catch me first!

He ran down the halls, Link followed. If it wasn't for his constant insults, Link would have given up. Eventually he ran through a door into a room and fell down.

Dark: Oh no! I've fallen down! I sure hope Link is too dumb to pin me and violently beat me!

Link: Too bad I'm not!

He threw his sword aside and leaped onto Dark Link and mercilessly beat him.

In reality, Link was beating Ness very violently.

Ness: Why are you doing this!?

Link: Shut up! For the next two hours you're officially my bitch!

He kept beating him. Rob rolled by the room and glanced inside.

Rob: Give him hell Wesley.

Rob continued rolling down the hall until his internal com system beeped.

Rob: Yes Wesley?

Dealer: Yo Rob, I got yo stuff. Drop by the warehouse at nine tonight with 1000 dollars if you want to pick it up.

Rob: You know I'm always down for drug abuse Wesley.

Rob entered his room and saw Ike hurriedly put away what appeared to be a needle.

Rob: Hello Wesley, I need your help tonight, can you come with me to a drug deal, so that no one fucks around?

Ike: Sure, how are we getting there?

Rob: Let me handle that Wesley.

That night, Rob and Ike went down to the hangar, where the vehicles belonging to the smashers were located. They walked past Bowser's Klown Kar, the Blue Falcon, Olimar's ship, the Halberd, Samus' ship, Wario's bike, Red's bike, Wolf's Wolfen and Fox and Falco's Arwings.

Ike: I don't think any of these belong to us Rob.

Rob: Borrowing without asking is fine if you return it in good shape.

He pulled out a set of keys he snatched from Fox's room and unlocked Fox's Arwing, They got inside and flew to a warehouse.

Rob: Now listen to me Wesley, let me do the talking, if shit goes down, cut all the motherfuckers up.

They exited the ship and entered the warehouse and saw a rather large group of dark Koopas.

Rob: What up Wesley.

Dealer: Not much man. Got the money?

Rob reached inside his storage compartment and drew a large pile of money.

Rob: Got my weed, E and coke?

Dealer: See, I forget the part where I give you shit and let you and your friend go.

Rob: What do you mean Wesley?

The dealer and his crew all pulled out guns and pointed them at Rob and Ike.

Dealer: I mean give me your fucking money before I blow you and your faggot friend to the moon.

Rob: Bad mistake Wesley. Behead these pussies!

Ike drew his sword and layed waste to them, Rob punched the dealer in the face and took all of his drugs.

Rob: You don't mess with the R.O.B. Let's get out of here Wesley!

They ran out of the warehouse and saw the dealer along with his few henchmen who survived Ike's rampage get into a truck.

Dealer: Let's make these motherfuckers pay!

Rob: You take the Wheel!

Rob jumped onto the wing and attached himself to it, Ike strapped into the pilot's seat and activated the Arwing. As they rose into the air, the truck followed, opening fire on them, Rob responded with his laser.

Rob: Swerve around Wesley.

Ike swerved the ship around to face them.

Rob: On my count, get the hell out of the seat. Speed up.

Ike sped the Arwing up to max speed and both jumped off as it rammed into the truck and created a massive explosion. Both got up and looked around.

Ike: What now?

Rob activated his long range sensors and spotted a strip club not too far away.

Rob: Follow me Wesley.

Ike followed Rob and after some walking, they reached a club called The Motorboat Lounge.

Ike: A strip club?

Rob: I've only gotten 24 today Wesley.

They entered and took a seat at the bar and observed the strippers shaking it.

Bartender: What'll it be?

Ike: I'll have a scotch on the rocks.

Rob: I'll have a 40 of Bacardi 151.

The bartender gave him a wide eyed look.

Bartender: Ok.

He turned around, poured some Johnny Walker into a glass with ice, then fetched a 40 of 151 and gave it to them. He watched in awe as Rob chugged the entire bottle in one go.

Rob: More please.

They kept at it for a while until Rob decided to make a move in the private dance room.

Stripper: I normally don't have sex with my customers, but I cannot resist your charm.

Rob: Shut up and suck it Wesley.

He fucked her for a while till he got bored and left without paying her anything. He grabbed Ike and they went to a nightclub. They sat down at another bar and ordered more drinks. This time, Rob went for straight moonshine. Ike noticed how Rob was staring at the VIP section. Ike looked and saw a man who possibly did more steroids then him. He was massive and blonde and wore a pair of sunglasses, he was practically surrounded by women.

Ike: Why are you looking at him?

Rob: I think it's time to make a bitch out of somebody.

He rolled over to the VIP section.

Security: Hey, you can't come-

Rob punched him in the face and kept going until he came to the massive man.

Man: What's all over your face?

Rob: Your mother's pussy.

Man: You better watch out. I've got balls of steel.

Rob: Shut the fuck up, you just have inferior human balls. Mine are literally made out of gold.

Man: You wanna start shit?

Rob: Maybe, but I don't think it would be very nice to emasculate you in front of all these fine ladies.

Man: I'm going to rip off your head and shit in your throat.

He reached for a gold deagle on his side, but Rob was far too quick for him. He sent out a large burst of electricity which shocked the man and he fell to the ground.

Rob: And that is why robots are superior to humans in every way, especially sexually.

All the women that crowded this man now surrounded Rob. He waved for Ike to come over and both spent the night getting hammered and fucking bitches.

Back at the mansion…

Fox strode through the halls angrily until he came to a door, pulled out his blaster and kicked the door. he clutched his foot in agony. The door opened and he saw Wolf with a beer and a cigarette in his hands and an annoyed look on his face.

Wolf: What the fuck do you want Fox?

Fox: I know you stole my ship! Give it back!

Wolf: Not saying I did, but why would I if you asked?

Fox: Because it's the right thing to do.

He laughed.

Wolf: I'm a fucking space pirate Fox. And I just found out that that five dollar lady of the night gave me crabs. So I'm in the mood to stay home and scratch my dick all day long. But do you want to know the funny part?

Fox: What?

He opened the door slightly more and Fox saw Krystal lying down on Wolf's bed.

Wolf: Yeah, I've been doing this for a while, so you might want to get checked out.

Fox advanced on Wolf.

Wolf: Wanna be sure that you have crabs? Fuck man, I'll give 'em to you, I won't even think it's homosexual

Fox tried to think of a way to defeat his foe without touching or being touched by him. Wolf unzipped his pants.

Wolf: Wanna join in?

Krystal: Hell no! He has a tiny penis!

Fox: I challenge you to a dogfight!

Wolf: Ok, what will you fly?

Fox: I'll use Falco's ship.

Wolf: Ok, Let me install the automatic nut scratcher on my Wolfen. And for the record, she also got gangbanged by Slippy and Peppy, and apparently, she also fucked ROB 64 and the Rob here… so yeah… she's a ho fo sho.

He noticed Fox had left.

Wolf: Well, that automatic nut scratcher isn't going to install itself.

Elsewhere…

Fox entered Falco's room.

Falco: Salutations Fox! How may I help you?

Fox: I need to borrow your Arwing.

Falco: What for?

Fox: I'm taking down Wolf.

Falco: Ok then! But watch out! I heard he has a certain STD that makes his nuts quite itchy.

He gave Fox his keys. Fox walked down to the hangar and saw Wolf putting finishing touches on his automatic nut scratcher.

Fox: You're going down!

Wolf: When I'm done, you're getting a heaping helping of hot red itchy nuts in your face.

They entered their ships and started them up. Both flew out of the hangar and faced each other.

Fox: Have some of this!

He hit a button.

Falco's voice: Hello Falco! You're looking extra smart today!

Fox: What the fuck?

Falco's voice rambled about how great Falco was. Fox tried more buttons but all set off speeches.

Fox: Where the fuck is the fire button?

Wolf: Would you hurry up? My nuts aren't going to suck themselves.

Fox: Yeah just a second.

Wolf: Time's up!

Wolf opened fire on Fox until he began retreating. Wolf gave pursuit and when he caught up, he opened the hatch on his ship and jumped onto Fox's.

Fox: What are you doing?

Wolf: Oh you'll see.

He opened the hatch, unzipped his pants and started to rub his nuts in Fox's face, after a while, he got bored and jumped off.

Wolf: Later, Enjoy all those STDs.

Fox noticed an unstoppable itch welling up.


	4. Pissing off beezies and noobs

Ike and Rob walked up to the double doors of the mansion.

Ike: What a night.

Rob: How many Texas mickeys did we drink again?

Ike: Four?

He opened the door and the duo walked inside to the sight of MH and CH discussing important issues.

Ike: What's up?

MH: This is just great, all kinds of goddamn fanboys keep sending me letters to put their favorite characters here, but nearly all of them would be simply stupid to bring in here.

Rob: Then what about Snake and Sonic?

MH: The volume of letters I got was so big that I was forced to.

Ike: Well who do they want now?

MH: Look at these.

He handed them pictures.

Rob: You have got to be fucking kidding Wesley.

Ike: There's no way you can let those two in here. You just can't.

MH: I have no choice. Look at this letter.

He handed them a letter, they read it.

Ike: He would seriously shoot up a school and blame it on you just to get them into the mansion. Man, you're up shit creek.

Rob: Good luck with the dilemma, if you bring them here, let us sort them out Wesley.

They departed to their room.

CH: Are we really going to let those fucks in here?

MH: I've got no cho- hey, why aren't you going all crazy?

CH: Oh.

He snorted a bunch of cocaine into his glove.

CH: HAHAHAHAHA! TIME TO FUCK UP SOME EARTHBOUND CHARACTERS!

He saw Lucas and Ness.

CH: PREPARE TO GET BEATEN THE FUCK UP!

He chased after the screaming children.

MH: Ok… gotta do this.

He left in search of a phone.

Elsewhere…

Mario ran into Bowser:

Mario: Hey-a there Bowser!

Bowser flinched.

Bowser: That it? No kicking the ever-loving shit out of me?

Mario: I'm in a good mood-a!

Bowser: Yeah I heard. Congratulations I guess.

Mario: Yeah! Hahaha!

Bowser: Do you know if it's your baby?

Mario: Why-a wouldn't it be?

Bowser: Well, look at it this way. We both agree she's hot right?

Mario: Yeah-a.

Bowser: That means there are probably others in this mansion who think so too, right?

Mario: Yeah… a.

Bowser: Well, do you think it's possible that she perhaps slept with another man who impregnated her?

Mario didn't speak for a while.

Bowser: Er, just a thought. Got to go and not masturbate to naked pictures of your girlfriend.

Mario: … that whore…

Later…

Marth lay napping in his bed. He suddenly smelled spaghetti and he slowly opened his eyes to the sight of a crazed plumber.

Mario: Wake up… time to die.

He punched Marth in the face. Marth jumped off the bed and grabbed his sword. He said something in his language.

Mario: … ah screw it, I'm not even going to try and understand.

He leaped at Marth. They fought for a while until Mario managed to knock Marth's sword out of his hand, he was about to deliver the coup de grace when Peach entered.

Mario: YOU!

Peach: What?

Mario: YOU STUPID WHORE!

He got up.

Mario: HONESTLY! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES I'VE SAVED YOUR RETARDED ASS!? DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE SHIT TO DO!? AND NOW YOU'RE FOOLING AROUND WITH THIS HE-SHE PIECE OF SHIT ON THE GROUND HERE!

Peach: It wasn't him! Honest!

Mario: OH REALLY!?

Peach: Mario… have you been drinking?

Mario: HAVE I BEEN FUCKING DRINKING!?

He passed out. Marth looked at the wrecked plumber. He said something.

Peach: Can you help me get him to his room?

Marth shrugged and helped the wasted Italian up.

Elsewhere…

On the mansion outskirts, Link sat at a bench with DK, smoking a joint when Pit and Ness walked up.

Ness: That's him! He beat me up!

Link: What the hell are you talking about kid?

Pit: Quiet you! I'm going to teach you a lesson!

Link: …

DK: …

Link and DK: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: Ok!

He stood up.

Link: What do you got now queer?

He pushed Pit.

Link: What are you going to do?

Pit: This!

He took out his bow sword thing and attacked Link: Link drew the Master Sword and fought back, but Link was far better at swordplay and quickly gained the upper hand. Ness stepped in to help and shot Link with PK Fire before he realized DK was standing right behind him.

DK: Don't step runt.

He picked Ness up and threw him around. Zelda walked up.

Zelda: What are you doing? Last I saw you, you were chasing a hallucination down the hall!

Link: Kind of fighting off this gay kid right now!

She looked at the extremely one-sided fight between DK and Ness.

Zelda: Donkey Kong! Why are you beating this defenseless child!

DK: This kid tried to go 2 on 1 with Pit against Link. Just teaching the kid a lesson.

Zelda: That's no way to teach the kid respect! All of you, come with me!

Link: Crazy wolf-bitch…

Zelda: Who said that!?

None answered. Inside, Zelda took them to a living room and sat the opposing parties on different couches. Ness and Pit were acting normal, but Link and DK were fooling around.

Link: I think we better prep for this shit man.

He took out a pair of 26s and handed one to DK.

Link: Bottoms up!

They both took a hearty swig.

Zelda: Give me those!

She tried to grab them but couldn't.

Zelda: Ok, whatever. But you two shouldn't be drinking something like Sailor Jerry's. You should try Smirnoff.

Link snickered.

Link: Listen toots, only two types of people drink lame vodka like Smirnoff, beginner drinkers and LGs. Which one are you?

Zelda: Why you-

Link and DK laughed and took more sips of their rum.

DK: Let's blow this gay fest and smoke some motherfucking kush man.

Link: You know I'm down for that shit.

They got up and left. Zelda sighed.

Zelda: Why is Link like this? He wasn't like this before.

Pit: It's all the drugs he's doing I bet.

Zelda: You're right. Tonight, I'm getting Link off weed!

Pit: You may wanna expand your list a little.

He took out a small stack of photos and handed them to Zelda. She observed pictures of the duo smoking weed, then trying shrooms, then acid, then popping E with Rob, snorting E with Rob and snorting blow… with Rob.

Zelda: It's Rob! Well, I'm going to have a little talk with him! Wait… why are you taking pictures of them?

Pit: Er… You go girl!

Zelda decided to ignore Pit's odd fantasy of ape on elf action and walked to the door of Rob and Ike's room and knocked. Ike answered.

Zelda: Is Rob here?

Ike opened the door further to show Rob setting up a line of coke around a Dr. Dre record.

Zelda: Now listen here you… you man!

Ike: Oh boy, I can't deal with this. I'm getting a beer if you wanna get drunk later Rob.

Rob: Ok Wesley, this'll only take a few minutes.

Ike left and closed the door behind him. Rob turned on Fuck Wit Dre Day and finished his rail.

Rob: How may I help you Wesley?

Zelda: I want to talk to you about the bad influence you have on Link…

40 minutes later…

Zelda lay naked in bed next to the cigar smoking Rob.

Zelda: I can't believe I just did that. You are extremely good though.

Rob: I know… get out Wesley.

Zelda: That's it? What about Link?

Rob: What about him? I offered him some blow and he accepted. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get drunk.

Zelda: What about Peach!?

Rob stopped in his tracks.

Rob: Er… ah… Initiating get out of commitment programming. I have no idea what you are talking about Wesley. Maybe you had one too many shots of pussy vodka. In total… you had one.

He left in search of the bar. Zelda put on her clothes and decided she needed a drink.

At the bar… Ike was sitting next to Ganondorf, both drinking a pints.

Ganondorf: Then that little shit turned on the lights and I was all like "YOU DARE BRING LIGHT INTO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!" then I shot lightning at him and he ran away and shit.

He took a sip.

Ike: Man, why the fuck are they even here man… they're fucking kids! They shouldn't even be allowed in the bar!

They glance at Lucas and Ness nervously sipping their cokes. Across the room, Wario grinned mischeviously at them while GW enjoyed some tasty fried chicken.

Ike: And above all this shit, we have newbies coming in tonight!

Ganondorf: Really?

Rob sat at the bar with them.

Rob: I'll have a pint of Jack Daniels.

The bartender paused for a moment processing what Rob just said before pouring the whiskey into a mug and passing it to Rob.

Rob: So apparently those two pieces of crap are coming in tonight.

Ganondorf: So I've heard.

Across from the stools they were sitting at, Zelda sat down.

Zelda: A glass of Absolute Vanilla and some coke for chase please.

She pretended not to notice the snickering on the other side of the table.

Ike: Hey barkeep. Can I get some Bacardi Limon with coke for chase?

Ganondorf: Yeah, can I get the same only Smirnoff?

Rob: Hook up some coolers Wesley.

They burst out laughing.

Zelda: Why must all of the men here be so immature!?

Wolf walked up.

Wolf: Coolers? Dude, only pussies, faggots and chicks drink that shit man! Get me a damn beer barkeep!

Zelda: DAMN IT!

Her anger only made the four laugh harder.

Falco sat at the bar.

Falco: Some tequila with chase my good man, but hold the chase for I am not a pussy!

Zelda screamed and stormed off to the small lounge to sit with Samus.

Wolf: Sure showed that beezie.

Falco: What, pray tell, is a beezie?

Wolf: Derogatory term for slut.

Zelda: I AM NOT A SLUT!

They all laughed again. MH came in holding a giant glass of scotch.

MH: Ok… as you've heard, we've got a little fresh blood coming in here tonight. Well… you're right… here they are…

CH opened the door and let them in. Two of the most angsty people one would ever meet. I am of course talking about Cloud and Sephiroth. They stepped in and took a seat at the bar. Cloud turned his head to see the other men at the bar glaring at them.

Cloud: You got a problem?

Rob: Yes I do Wesley. I'm wondering if you or your friend were women. I couldn't tell and I was debating on hitting on you.

Rob's crew laughed.

Sephiroth: What a bunch of fags.

Ganondorf: Oh really, Mr. long silver hair with a freakishly long sword obviously compensating for something you don't have?

Sephiroth: You wanna fight me punk?

Ganondorf: My thoughts exactly.

Both drew their swords.

MH: Now, now… kill each other in a ring will you?

Sephiroth: Even better.

Rob: Oh boy, I love seeing people when they get Ganon-Punched.

Cloud: I'm fighting that Robot next!

Rob: I don't have time for pussies, fight my human friend Wesley.

Ike: I'll take you on Peter Pan.

Cloud: You're going to pay for that.

The group walked down to the room leading to the different arenas.

Ganondorf: Seeing as how you're new here, I'll even let you pick the stage. You want to do a team battle or two one on ones?

Cloud: One on one. I'll go first on-

Fox: No items, Final Destination.

They all stopped and stared at Fox as he left the portal.

Fox: Totally pwned some noobs in there.

Rob shot Fox with his superior laser. He ran away.

Cloud: How about this one?

Ike: Ok.

They entered Hyrule Temple.

MH: READY………….. GO!

Cloud ran at Ike, his Buster Sword high in the air, Ike drew Ragnell and took a swing. Their blades clashed.

Outside.

Rob: You have no idea what your friend is in for Wesley.

Sephiroth: He could take down steroid boy any day.

Back inside, the battle had gotten quite a bit more brutal. Every time their blades connected, Ike would throw a punch at Cloud's face. Two smash balls entered the arena.

Cloud: What are those?

Ike: Smash balls. Smash one to get your ultimate attack.

Ike ran at one and cleaved through it in one blow. Cloud did the same. Both raised their blades.

Ike: GREAT…

Cloud: OMNI…

Ike skipped Aether and slashed Cloud into the air. He too rose and started wildly slicing him, he then delivered the final blow that rocket Cloud to the ground then shot him into the air.

Back inside…

Rob: Sure showed that punk Wesley.

Ganondorf: Now it's our turn, and I assure you, you will DIE.

Sephiroth: Why are you making that face?

Ganondorf: What face?

Sephiroth: The fucked up one you're making.

Ganondorf: Don't question what you cannot understand. Pick an arena chump.

Sephiroth: Well this one seems fair.

Ganondorf: Pussy.

They entered Final Destination.

MH: READY………….. GO!

Sephiroth took out his stupidly long sword and started advancing on Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Prepare to duel! Let me just draw my sword and…

He drew his sword, looked at it and put it away.

Ganondorf: What the hell? Wait a second.

He drew his sword, looked at it and put it away.

Ganondorf: Damn it!

He kept trying but nothing would work. Sephiroth got bored and charged him. Ganondorf cocked his arm back.

Ganondorf: GANON… PUNCH!

He hit Sephiroth point blank on the forehead with his darkness punch.

Sephiroth: AHHHHHHH! THAT FREAKING HURTS!

Ganondorf ran up to him and flame-choked him. When he was on the ground, he started violently punching Sephiroth.

Ganondorf: Yeah, take that bitch!

He leaped into the air and Ganon-Kicked him. After some more beating, he finished him off with another Ganon-Punch. Back outside, The two newbies were acting very disgruntled.

Cloud: A loss on our first night!?

Sephiroth: Yeah, what the fuck!?

Rob: Face it Wesley, you lost… it's ok to be pussies, just not cool.

Cloud: Fuck you man!

Sephiroth: Why don't we take down this dumbass bucket of bolts!

Rob: Bring it Wesley. I don't need any backup and I'll still whoop your ass.

Cloud: Fine! Let's teach this guy a lesson!

They both charged Rob. He activated his jetpack as they missed and ran into a wall.

Rob: Is that all you got Wesley? I was expecting something more flashy from flamers such as yourself.

They decided to use their freakishly large swords to poke Rob, but they kept missing and ended up getting hit by his jetpack attack.

Rob: Hahaha, you little fairy boys have no chance of defeating the R.O.B., but I can see some potential in you, so I am going to spare you, maybe even let you join my crew.

Sephiroth: What's the catch?

Rob: You have to pass a test.

Cloud: What kind of test.

Rob: Some good old fashioned hazing.

Ike: This is going to be fun…

Elsewhere, Bowser checked the mailbox and found one addressed to him. He opened it and let out a cry of joy…


End file.
